I Declare Myself Supreme Leader of the Movement for the Abolition of Suffering (someone had to do it!)
I just had a DeeP, almost mystical conversation with one of the most prominent figures of the Movement for the Abolition of Suffering. I won’t mention their name, of course. I could say it’s out of respect for their privacy, but the truth is —and since we’re abolishing suffering, let’s start by abolishing hypocrisy— I just prefer to keep all the spotlight for myself. If they wanted the spotlight, they should’ve declared their candidacy first. History, like nature, favors the early bird.
During our chat (I spoke, he listened —as it should be), an undeniable truth was revealed to me: it is urgent to abolish suffering. And even more urgent than that, it is urgent that I lead this abolition. We can’t just leave the salvation of the world to anyone. This requires my charisma, vision, and natural ability to command attention on both trivial and existential issues.
Let’s list all the reasons why I should be your savior.
A cross-sectional leader (i.e., disliked by everyone)
I have achieved something few manage in these polarized times: making both the left and the right equally uncomfortable. Progressives think I’m a cynical individualist; conservatives think I’m a soft utopian. That, dear friends of all grammatical genders, is not a flaw: it’s pure political capital. If both sides think I’m wrong, it’s sociologically probable that I’m right.
My leadership is not based on being likable, but on being equally annoying to the entire ideological spectrum. Because suffering doesn’t care who you vote for — and neither do I.
Humbly egotistical: an unwilling leader with a destined purpose
It’s well known —someone important said it, though I can’t recall who and I’m not about to look it up— that only those who do not wish to lead are fit to do so. True leadership doesn’t arise from a hunger for power, but from lucid reluctance. That’s why I’m the ideal candidate: I don’t want this job at all. And yet, here I am, firmly announcing my candidacy. Contradictory? Of course. Brilliant? Also.
I’ve consistently demonstrated my lack of ego, as illustrated by the elegant carelessness with which I regularly omit bibliographic references. While others insist on citing even the inventor of italics, I have embraced a noble disregard for external recognition as proof of my moral universalism. I don’t distinguish between authors: I respect them all equally by not mentioning any of them.
A leader for all perspectives (because I don’t fully understand any of them)
From transhumanism to Hindu spirituality, positive psychology to secular Buddhism, and emotional biotechnology —there are many ways to approach the abolition of suffering. None of them are entirely clear to me.
This lack of understanding makes me the perfect bridge between conflicting schools of thought. I have no preferences. No dogmas. No clue. And that makes me truly neutral. No one will feel excluded if their leader can’t coherently endorse or reject any approach.
Ideological flexibility: my inconsistency is your guarantee
Across the political spectrum, “changes of heart” have proven to be an extraordinarily useful political tool for ignoring campaign promises. In my case, I’ve reached a level of methodological doubt that allows me to change my mind quite naturally and without the risk of triggering an identity crisis. While other leaders must explain their flip-flops with terms like “strategic reevaluation” or “paradigm shift,” I just say, “I don’t know, now it feels different.” And that’s enough.
My lack of strong convictions makes me the perfect candidate to adapt to any philosophical turn the movement takes, from rational hedonism to compassionate nihilism. I’m malleable, I’m flexible, I’m like moral Play-Doh.
Moral resilience: I’ve been disliked so consistently I barely notice anymore
A good leader must endure criticism. And I’ve been criticized with admirable consistency. From academic disdain to tilted-head condescension, I’ve endured all shades of rejection with almost vegetal composure. It doesn’t affect me. It nourishes me.
In short: I am an emotional rock, sculpted by years of steady, intermittent contempt. A stoic figure, impervious to praise, insult-proof, and insensitive to everything —except vegan croquettes.
Economic management: a well-balanced experience of boom and disaster
In financial matters, I have ample experience. I’ve launched million-dollar projects and managed to tank just as many with equal determination. Few people can claim to have explored both ends of the accounting spectrum so intensely.
This dual experience makes me the ideal manager of resources for abolishing suffering. I know how to spend well. And better yet, I know how to spend badly. I’m like a reinforcement learning algorithm —without needing to be programmed.
A tiny Achilles’ heel: no sex scandals (yet)
I must admit, with some regret, that I have never been involved in a sex scandal. I’m a happily married man —which, I know, sounds terribly boring. In an age where scandals seem to be a necessary rite of passage for public figures, this might be the one argument that could justify someone else taking the role.
If a candidate arises with equal philosophical awkwardness, moral ambiguity, and lack of comprehension —but with a couple of conveniently leaked affairs— I will humbly step aside. Until then, sorry: I’m the best there is.
Conclusion: suffering’s days are numbered (if you vote for me)
Here is my proposal: to lead —with complete reluctance but unwavering resolve— the Movement for the Abolition of Suffering. I don’t promise to fully understand how it works, or to do it well, or to do it fast. But I’ll do it. I’ll turn utopia into reality the same way some people turn old curtains into party outfits.
And now, the critical moment:
If you’ve made it this far, it’s time for you to cast your vote with the democratic gravity this candidacy deserves.
Choose your reaction —let your heart speak (or whatever’s most active in your body today):
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❤️ Heart if you support this noble and thoroughly confused crusade against suffering.
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😡 Angry if you believe this candidacy poses a real threat to the emotional stability of Western civilization.
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👍 Like if, frankly, you’ve interpreted this whole thing as a veiled sexual innuendo (I would too).
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😢 Sad if this text moved you… or if you just checked your bank account.
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😮 Wow if you still don’t understand how I got this far with so little.
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😂 Haha if you understood everything perfectly —and still think it just might work.
Share this with your fellow sufferers. Let the world know. The revolution will be emotionally ambiguous —or it won’t happen at all.
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